


We're well past that now.

by aratheli



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Levi feels hopeless and alone, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, also Zeke can choke, no beta we die like men, thanks for coming to my TEDyell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aratheli/pseuds/aratheli
Summary: Another irritating day stuck in the forest drained Levi’s motivation and patience for nightfall straight out of his bones.  Zeke nonchalantly slurping his soup on the other side of the fire truly made Levi want to break something.  The passion for vengeance for Erwin’s death was being flattened by the burden of being here.Zeke invades Levi's personal belongings to humiliate him, and Levi struggles to keep himself from mincing him in front of the entire camp.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64





	We're well past that now.

**Author's Note:**

> This might be a little out of character on Levi's part but...you be the judge of that. I based most of the interaction on that chilling scene from Orphan (2009) when Esther confronts Kate.  
> If I was in Levi's shoes, I would feel worn out and hopeless, too.

Another irritating day stuck in the forest drained Levi’s motivation and patience for nightfall straight out of his bones. Zeke nonchalantly slurping his soup on the other side of the fire truly made Levi want to break something. The passion for vengeance for Erwin’s death was being flattened by the burden of being here. Another log was set on the fire as the sun dipped below the horizon, and dusk overtook their campsite with fading light and cooling breezes. Soldiers switched posts so others could eat the last hot meal of the evening. Levi was unknowingly gritting his teeth to keep the hunger away.

“My, my, Heschel!” Zeke exclaimed happily. “You certainly know how to make a fine celery soup. Absolutely wonderful!” The bearded shit was flirting with a soldier, probably no more than sixteen, rather dramatically, and Levi stood so abruptly it startled the scout sitting next to him. Everyone but Zeke raised their head, even the girl he was talking to, expecting an order, but Levi had nothing to say. He marched through the group and to the edge of the clearing where a soldier tried to appear lively. 

“Capt--”

“I’m going to bed,” Levi said unpleasantly, but he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. “Keep an eye on Zeke.” Before the soldier could salute properly, he was off to his tent.

Levi hadn’t taken a rest in this camp and wasn’t planning on it, but he needed to be somewhere other than Zeke’s boastful presence. He pinned the flap shut once inside the tent, ducked to shuffle to the back of it and collapsed instead of simply sitting down. Elbows on his knees, Levi put his head into his hands and pulled his hair enough to cause a little pain to ground himself. This was no time to be panicking or going crazy. This was no time to be losing his mind. 

Levi, regardless of those empty statements, was filled with rage again when he heard a muffled laugh from that girl Heschel who probably hadn’t stopped talking to Zeke yet. His method of worming his way out of this situation was so rudimentary, so disgusting and pitiful that he thought of flirting with some teenager to attempt to get an ally made Levi almost wretch. He really,  _ really _ needed to break something. 

So he thrust his tent flap open, ignored the few looks thrown his way, and proceeded angrily towards a tree out of view of the others to punch. Nothing made sense and nothing was right. Nothing was going well and nothing could be done about it. No-one paid attention and no-one cared. No-one could do anything about it. Or about him.

Levi stopped punching when his skin on his knuckles broke; having to bleed at a time like this was stupid and unnecessary. He huffed and walked back into the fireflicker to see the damage he did; not much. Nothing to bandage. Nonetheless he felt withered and ready to collapse- _ really _ collapse this time-and returned to his tent. 

Inside once more, he took out his journal and pencil he forged with him. No-one knew about it as it didn’t pertain to them. He mostly used it to continue to practice his handwriting, a hobby he didn’t realise he developed, but there were passages that snuck their way between pages. Hange once told him to get his bad thoughts and feelings out of his mind and body; to stop curling up with it at night and keeping it locked away. He tried, but reading it back made him feel even worse for thinking such things. He closed the book with a loud  _ slap _ of the parchment coming together and slouched. 

And gasped when his body finally fell to the left and hit the blanket.  _ Shit _ , he must’ve fallen asleep for a moment. The light from the fire outside was reduced to a drab shine, shadows in front.

His journal and pencil were not in front of him.

He glanced over the entirety of the tent, and when he saw nothing of the sort, his breathing quickened to render him fully awake. He had fallen asleep long enough and hard enough sitting up for someone to come in his tent and take it. He scrambled upright. Someone with the guts of the like could only be--

Zeke was patiently sitting by the fire facing his tent’s entrance, journal in his hands. He smiled innocently at Levi when he marched up to him, fuming. “Sleep well, Captain?”

“I swear on the  _ fucking _ sun that y--”

“Oh, come on,” Zeke drawled. His expression melted into something of snobby satisfaction. “We’re well past that now. The threats? Lost their flare; not as creative as the first time we met.” He faked a pout. “I’m rather disappointed.”

“Oh, you think I won’t follow through?” 

“I know you will, but if it was pure hatred you felt towards me, I would’ve been sliced to nothing by you a  _ long _ time ago.”

Levi frowned. “Wh-just give me back my shit!” 

Zeke wasn’t interested in acknowledging his demand. “You want to  _ carve every word you’ve spoken to him into my flesh  _ first, right?” Zeke grinned widely when Levi’s eyes showed a glimmer of fear. 

“How do you know that?” Levi asked genuinely, folding his arms.

Zeke smiled at the journal and waved it in front of him. “It’s very intimate.”

Levi huffed and held out a hand. Why was he being so calm? “Give it to me.”

“I’ve learnt so much about you,” Zeke untied the leather strap and opened to a page, legs crossing into a more relaxed position. “Petra, Eld, Günther, how annoying Oruo was, how much you miss them…”

“Zeke,” Levi snapped. “ _ Give _ it to me.”

“Your sister, your affair with Erwin…” 

The calmness of his voice saying those words made Levi feel rigid. “ _ Stop talking _ ,” he gritted out.

“...where you hide your wine bottles…” Zeke flicked his eyes up to meet Levi’s, a smirk growing on his face.

“I am--” Levi stuttered, remembering to breathe. “I am  _ warning you _ , I will shred you right h--”

Zeke straightened and opened the pages to read in the dim light. “ _ This _ is one of my favourites, though. ‘I told him that I wouldn’t regret anything. I told the children I wouldn’t regret anything. But I still cry when I think of--’”

Levi’s remembrance of the passage he wrote shocked him into movement, and he violently snatched away the book, hurriedly closing it.

Zeke seemed unphased, almost looking at him with ridicule of his reaction. “‘--not turning him into a titan.’”

“ _ Zeke _ \--”

“‘For five years now he’s been gone, but I’m still here.’” Zeke stared at Levi with feigned sorrow. “‘Some days I’m so tired I want to sleep for years.’”

“ _ Stop it. _ ” Levi found himself raising his voice. “ _ You stop it.  _ What’s  _ wrong  _ with you?” Out of the corner of his eye, two soldiers peaked out of their tents. 

Zeke raised his eyebrows. “What’s wrong with  _ me? _ I would ask yourself the same question.” Zeke stood, stepping closer to Levi, who was frozen with fear. “You’d really be so selfish and weak to abandon your duties? To abandon your country and humanity? For the  _ former commander _ ?” He, too, raised his voice above regular volume. More soldiers began to distantly observe the scene. “Your  _ hopeless _ romance with Commander Smith hinders  _ every soldier here _ , you know. It hinders the  _ whole _ operation--”

“HEY!” A soldier barked. His impromptu second-in-command, Yolandi Becker, startled Levi more than she would normally. She looked even angrier than the two bickerers. “This is  _ not _ the time or place to be having these stupid discussions.” She addressed both of them, but only glared at Zeke, to which Levi was grateful. “Go to your tent, Beast Titan, and stay there until morning.” 

Zeke composed himself and bowed slightly. “Of course, miss,” he spoke tenderly. Levi could really throw up. “My apologies.” 

When he was far enough across the camp, Levi felt he could breathe for the first time since seeing Zeke’s face out of his tent that night. The soldiers that had witnessed their childish exchange seemed to look at Levi with a new face, a new judgement. Levi swallowed and raised his chin when Yolandi approached. “I’ll watch him for the night if you want to take off and rest.” 

Levi could only nod. The soldiers watching him had more power to make him shiver than the sudden blade of wind, and he quickly returned to his tent. The journal immediately went under his pillow. He would have to throw it in the fire tomorrow before cutting off Zeke’s prying fingers. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Your comments are always welcome!


End file.
